June 14, 2011
This may seem to be a mish-mash of problems.... but aren't they all??
Right so, first I would like to say that I truly believe Faster EFT is so versatile it compliments everything...... I also have been using it together with nutrition to allieviate general anxiety and stress. I believe the future of our freedom depends on both these things, what we put into our minds and what we put into our bodies as they are both one and the same.
So i began to develop gagging panic attacks a few years back any time I had to go into a room full of people and so avoided it at all costs for years!! Absolutely any kind of room full of people was out of the question lest i was under the influence of alcohol including having to go into work! There were many, many knock-on effects of this behaviour..... from: not having relationships & friends/isolation/loneliness/depression/fear/ and all these things worsening...... even today if i over-do it with alcohol it causes all of the following: deep depression/ a sense of doom and terror/ anger/erratic behaviour/memory loss/disscociation/stress/... and funny enough the pub is the only place i can feel relaxed, so theres a horrible cycle right there.
I first became aware of gagging panic attacks when i did karate when i was younger and at one point whenever I went to train in the club, i started to gag whenever i physically exerted myself which eventually made it impossible to train and perform at competitions so I left, and was very angry in the process. I missed it and also missed being physically fit. I also left art college for the same reasons and I am happy to work in a job where I dont have to deal with anyone and its the same monotonous routine every day. I returned to playing the guitar a few years back which I had played and excelled at when i was younger. Again I left a band for the very same reasons outlined above, as soon as we had to go out and start performing I eventually succumb to violent anxiety and the resulting mess of alcohol. Ironically when I was a kid i was fearless on stage and would even perform in front of my class for no reason other than the teachers amused request, I once sang Tutti Frutti by Little Richard and have been spending my life trying to get back to that freedom of expression that i lost somewhere.
Today I can play fine alone in a studio... I have had a few experiences going out and playing.... like last night I played in a blues club, but I'm still clouded with fear which in itself makes my performance nothing like what it could be as I can't focus and even see clearly in those situations and what I have learned seems to abandon me. It is classic performance anxiety yet it exists in all areas of my life from talking to people to performing to simply walking down the street sometimes. Also the very fact I get nervous makes me angry then depressed etc etc... however I do be glad that I've played at all! Even though my performance may be below par, I know Im better than that and I dont be embarrassed anymore at my awkwardness because i know ive made steps and done something. Some days I really start to feel like I'm learning to cycle a bike whereas I have been spending years just looking at a bike and examining it, talking about it, drawing diagrams etc etc all for fear of not wanting to go through the experience of learning and falling of the thing, but to just get on and make my mistakes. And all the time I'm watching other people all around me just do these things effortlessly, I don't be jealous but I get incredibly angry at myself when i see them and then look at my same old *** and keep asking myself "what the *** is wrong with you?".....
I want to say with the supplementation of my nutrition it has greatly made me a new person in certain areas: virtually ended the general daily depression and anxiety, i cant remember the last time i've had one of those gagging panic attacks.... although regarding my ambitions and goals I'm afraid it's still lingering there in the recesses awaiting a potentially high pressure situation involving people, and I need to know if it's gone or not, yet I don't feel ready to test it. With Faster EFT, I am definitely becoming braver and more willing to go out there but it's still stressful. Dealing with these problems, all sorts of other things arise and have to be dealt with, but I am seeing changes that I haven't seen ever with anything else. There are still triggers that seriously anger me and stress me that are the big ones that I need the energy to go in and take out..... theyre the difficult ones... but I want to end my stagefright or "people" fright for good..... and lose the anger... my EFT journey is only beginning so I'm up and down as you can see but I'm hopeful and excited to know where it is going to lead me, or where I am going to lead myself...... hmm... anyway here's to another day of looking for things to heal
January 8, 2011
- "Some days I really start to feel like I'm learning to cycle a bike whereas I have been spending years just looking at a bike and examining it, talking about it, drawing diagrams etc etc all for fear of not wanting to go through the experience of learning and falling of the thing, but to just get on and make my mistakes."
Love the metaphor!
Your post is altogether very positive. when i read it, I thought, you are really making changes.
my feeling is that when you keep tapping, like a piece of music, there is a resolution- eventually.
that gagging thing- your at the stanza-keep strumming till that song is sung.
- you wrote, "and keep asking myself "what the *** is wrong with you?"….."
Wrong question...in my experience, when I recognize that i am asking the wrong question- that is that i will not be getting any new information or this will not direct me, aim me, focus me, toward feeling the problem...
So I ask, from Robert Smith's fantastic advice,
- "where do I feel it?" and "how do i know I have this problem?"
So without gagging, can you feel what is there?
Keep on it, it will pass.
Same thing with the alcohol thing-persistence and aiming.
When you get distracted, notice it, tap on it, and get back to your feelings.
What you are doing is great- keep going.
You CAN do it.
June 14, 2011
i am definitely noticing changes but there are still big things to change and i want them changed...... its weird i seem to be having more arguments with some people lately, I think its because im changing and i have no time for certain attitudes and old ways anymore.
The other thing I think about lately is the whole idea of the "saboteur" because when I am fit and healthy and doing good I get afraid and start a cycle of self-damage through alcohol and just not looking after myself, its like i need to bring myself back to a point where i have a problem and something to complain about..... i feel scared to be free and responsible.... the sense of loss in freedom is something i have to root out... I feel like i'm losing everything and everyone that I know but I know its for the best and I try to make myself feel good about it more and more.
January 8, 2011
Your abilities are very high, by that I mean that you will move through this efficiently and effortlessly, because your intentions are right on the surface-you are honest about wanting to heal.
When I read that back it sounded like bs, but it is true.
You exhibit love for yourself and it just grows more and more when you focus on IT.
ANd, I noticed that each line of you last post is exactly what your can put into the tapping, the feelings and words- almost verbatim. Forexample:
- "i am definitely noticing changes but there are still big things to change and i want them changed…"
tap on that, use those words, and don't forget to say "peace" with a deep breath as you hold your wrist.
- "… its weird i seem to be having more arguments with some people lately, I think its because im changing and i have no time for certain attitudes and old ways anymore."
this saboteur is non-existent, the behaviors are just bits of left over crap manifesting. I, too, went through a period of arguing more, because I had never really stood up for myself and it was a new skill I was developing... and then, that experience of speaking my truth gave me more information about myself to tap on... yes...
Patience and understanding of myself gradually took over and I learned to be more patient with others- and not be triggered by their stuff- because I had gotten rid of the similar feelings about myself. So it is now easier just to let people be were they are. If they don't like that I have changed, it doesn't bother me. As you become more secure in your own feelings about how you represent yourself, the people around you change too- that is so strange- and wonderful... I have lots of examples.
- " when I am fit and healthy and doing good I get afraid and start a cycle of self-damage through alcohol and just not looking after myself"
tap while saying that. for example, change it around and say, "this problem of fear, of returning to the cycle of..." fill in your words."
And so on with your tapping"
- " i bring myself back to a point where i have a problem and something to complain about….."
- " i feel scared to be free and responsible…."
- " the sense of loss in freedom is something i have to root out…"
- "I feel like i'm losing everything and everyone that I know "
- " I know its for the best and I try to make myself feel good about it more and more."
These are your words... your are very gifted with this stuff- really.
I think its so cool that you are right on the brink of fantastic, self-guided change.
Love for yourself will guide you through this and you already have the treasure map.
Faster eft is like learning a new style of blues- The Mississippi Delta is similar to Chicago Blues, but the big city has its power, and you can use that.
hows that for a metaphor?
You have every thing you need to do this - in your way, to like the life of meaning that you choose.
June 14, 2011
yes i do like your metaphors 😉 and your helpful analysis which I will delve into more as I tap......
I played the other night in a studio with 2 guys, all we need is a drummer which im sure will happen sooner or later...
I haven't played with people and been the singer EVER.... but the way this came about just happened by itself I dont feel responsible and again I dont like to talk about these little changes in case I curse myself. But I did it and it's one thing out of the way, we played together and I sang with no gagging no panic and no fear. Thats' unheard of, for me.
Things still are not the way I want them but the most important two things come to mind in that situation:
1. to accept serendipitiy or help regardless of it's form, (to let your own ideas and expectations go). I mean when you ask for help, or when you pray for it, and you get it.... dont spit it back.... which ive done many times in judgement, because I want to demand who helps me etc etc.....
2. when you take one step out into the world, other things happen, anything can happen.
What keeps happening to me with each little problem I deal with is, it turns out not to be the problem?? ......... but instead sometimes they seem to be some form of procrastination keeping me from the real deal, or else they are a small branch of something much bigger and dreadfully uncomfortable... so my triumph over certain problems is short-lived as I always end up faced with something much bigger and more vague that makes me go limp and want to curl up into a ball and not go there.... (which is how i felt about school as a kid and what I actually physically used to do).
It always boils down to how we feel about ourselves.
We always perform in the world according to how we feel about ourselves....... its weird when I go to tap on that limp feeling im too limp!
January 8, 2011
yeah! it sounds like you are letting go and feeling/ noticing new, Φ powerful changes.
congratulations on singing. that's huge!
and that limp thing- its just part of the subconscious routine placed there to protect you.
Tap on it for a while...acknowledge it, and say, "I don't need the limpness", "I release this feeling of limpness"
for a bigger picture of how your own mind structures these inter-related thoughts, memories, feelings, beliefs..whatever you want to call them...whatever or however you feel them.
sit and breathe
expand and just notice which thoughts "creep" in.
Before I meditate, i like to ask God or the universe
to help me. Then it becomes really obvious to me what I can tap on.
Robert Smith explains how the brain-body/mind works and talks about chunking - that is,
it is levels of (related) grouped information (from your past experiences) that you use selectively for certain tasks....
like feeling a certain way.
Have confidence that the limp will go the same way the gagging did. Gone.
"It's safe to let it go"
Things do come up after releasing the big things on the surface... some are very unexpected and hard to understand. That just means that you are cleaning up from the inside out.
With Faster EFT, there is no need to delve, just feel it and release it.
January 7, 2011
The two most frequent words I encountered during the years
when I was attending a performing arts school for musical training were:
Practice and Rehearsal. Funny that RS’ training manual and seminars also
Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.
Quotations by unknown authors
How often do I rehearse thoughts that are not beneficial for
As learned from RS’ presentation that “Everything inside you
June 14, 2011
well yes it is very interesting and strange what happens... i can see things around me changing but its so werid its more like the world and the people around me are acting different but I feel the same..... i mean i dont feel bad i just still feel like me.... i played again last night and had a full band, i performed well, it was good but i still find it strange that this is happening... i dont "feel" like i've done anything different. But I do definitely feel i've made a good start in changing things.
As Jiddu Krishnamurti said "I am the world." I'm definitely feeling a bit of that now. Its like the changes I'm manifesting are happening around me... I dont know if im explaining that well... and I dont want to repeat myself. But I have to say it never ceases to amaze me how things that are seemingly beyond your control out there in the world can suddenly change and respond according to you.
Anyway, thoughts becoming actions and becoming your words and behaviour and your whole world is definitely a recipe for disaster or else complete order in your life..... it seems we're building new thoughts while at the same time dismantling the old ones.... and to be aware as much as you can of what is going on up there is hard work..... at the start... I mean persistence and dilligence to make what you practice and rehearse into a reality that you want. Im thinking now of that phrase "life is not a rehearsal".... strange, because really what Robert is saying is that our experiences are actually a result of what we rehearse...... hmmm......
I'm one of those people who doesn't really have any specific memory or "thing" that happened, sure i've had rejections and embarassments and so on like anyone else but I really can't say where and when my problems came about it seems to be simply an accumulation of horrible debhilitating emotions so that's what I tap on really. Still a lot to do. Another thing i notice is how i feel my worst also when i happen to be tired, so that tells me that it takes a good deal of energy for all this thinking.....and especially to change it.... so rest and good food also seem essential, because when I'm tired I can suddenly drift off into a whole hour or more of unhealthy thinking and remembering which is a lot of practice and takes me a while to snap out of it. But like anything else I'm sure once you get back on and back to it and keep getting back to it, that very thing becomes natural to you...... so it seems possible to make the practice of healthy thoughts your new reality and also the whole thing of getting back up.... so when something knocks you down which will happen you can actually train yourself to react by getting back up, and that will be your new natural reaction and natural reality.
Now, I don't know if anyone is interested in Jiddu Krishnamurti but he has said a lot that "when the problem is not, the other is" (im paraphrasing) but basically he is saying if you dont have anger for example then you don't need the opposite... i mean you dont have to put something else in, he also says there are no opposites... there is only anger. There is only the problem... and our need is to end it, not to put something else in..... i think this is true...... but as far as flipping memories, i think its interesting that we can change them into something else in order to end their effect on us. What we really need is a clean slate all the time! And again to mention Krishnamurti he said that when you fully meet something and deal with it in the moment, there is no trace of memory of it, its finished, it doesnt carry on, every moment is new. So it seems urgent to me that we end our old memories and cleanse our perception so we can meet life anew with a clear perspective, no fear, no anger, no depression..etc.. and to meet life in all of its glory but carry nothing on anymore. He said thought is not necessary in in the psychological area of life..... and the word he used was to "negate" or as Robert says, to let it go.
There is something more funcional about Robert's training though, because the whole tapping thing and the paying attention to your body and sensations really brings your conscious awareness right to the problems and because of the repetion it also acts as a "keep getting back on", "keep going at it".... its definitely not vague. Anyway...its too easy to idealise these concepts for I am still riddled with fear and still taking baby steps, I'm still unfortunately not in a position to meet life head on just yet.... and I haven't tried flipping memories yet... I want to but I'm nervous! 😉
January 11, 2011
January 8, 2011
This is how Socrates summarized his story, "The Allegory of the Cave".
for the whole story- it is very short.
He used the example of prisoners, only allowed to see shadows, then released into the sunny outdoors, could only see shadows- not the reality. As they grew more accustomed to the light of day, they began to see reflections, and then the substance. It is a good metaphor for our coming out into the light.
Faster eft is the freedom to see what is right in front of us. Because we change so quickly,by letting go, our insistence to perceive our present through pain of our past can be confusing, but is is growth and awareness.
Hope you enjoy the Allegory of the Cave. Love to hear your comments.
January 7, 2011
I almost feel like going back
into one of my foundation’s course (as required credit in my college years)
reading the Allegory of the Cave. It was interesting indeed, and it still is
after twenty some years while I struggled through that class. There are several
approaches I can make regarding this little Socrates stir up. First of all, I
can honestly say that class I took in the mid 80’s; I had to retake again to
pass it, ha ha ha! I knew nothing, and on top of that I was coming from a
strict, obedient, not-confronting the authority up bringing. It was totally
unthinkable to provide provocative questions to the professors, and to provide
proven well research evidences to defend my topic of discussions in class.
Thank goodness that it was all behind me. I have been watching waves of new
blood filling the more recent graduates and knowing these up coming cohort are
much better prepared to challenge authorities, and daring to ask tough
questions that are on the bases of humanity.
Not to detour from the Cave
subject so much, but in my own reality during the time when I first read the
Allegory of the Cave, it was a culture shocked, and let alone the
understanding, digesting, compare, and challenging these philosophical ideas
inside the textbooks. In the very Eastern way of thinking, the direct sensory
is a given.
So why should I argue about “Is
that banana really yellow when you are seeing it?” or “You see the banana is
yellow and can you prove it?” or even better “Why are you looking at the
banana?” Well, I’ve already seen the banana is yellow, ripe and soft. Now my
JP’s Eastern question is “Can I eat the banana now?”
It was no wonder that I failed
miserably in that class, but never the less the re-take was a much better
experience. The foundation class in the institutional training has been an
absolute necessity part of the curriculum. There were good many required
subject matters concerning about what is to be an “Artist”. One of the major
take away from the class for me was in Apollo versus Dionysus
Excerpts from The Birth of
Translated by Ian Johnston.
With those two gods of art,
Apollo and Dionysus, we link our recognition that in the Greek world there
exists a huge contrast, in origins and purposes, between visual (plastic) arts,
the Apollonian, and the non-visual art of music, the Dionysian. Both very
different drives go hand in hand, for the most part in open conflict with each
other and simultaneously provoking each other all the time to new and more
powerful offspring, in order to perpetuate for themselves the contest of
opposites which the common word “Art” only seems to bridge, until they finally,
through a marvelous metaphysical act, seem to pair up with each other and, as
this pair, produce Attic tragedy, just as much a Dionysian as an Apollonian
work of art.
When a musician is performing,
there is no separation between the music and the musician. When a dancer is
dancing, there is no separation between the dance and the dancer. One thing I
can say is when performing any selection of repertoires; there is a story to be
said. To be in trance of making a well deliver story requires a spectrum of
emotions. I think FasterEFT is a great way to harness our energies and bringing
wellbeing to our spirit.
June 9, 2011
January 11, 2011
January 4, 2011
I want to thank you very much for sharing all of your challenges and soulutions.
I know many people think it will curse them to bring it out into the open, and share, or to be told good things about themselves. But perhaps this is just another thing one needs to challenge with FasterEFT. You've already helped me a lot, and I hope you go on to greater and greater heights.
Also, depression can be because of things that happened in the past, but also the act of depression right now is something to challenge. So just experiencing problems - and tapping and thinking of nice feelings at the time is pretty powerful too, especially for taking off the last layers.
"Your thoughts create your [...] destiny". But i bet most people don't know how to change that. What can change your thoughts, in my opinion, is:
The help of G-d, plus
your deep intention to be healthy and express your creativity or humanity, or do your heart's desire; as well as
your consciousness about your thoughts, feelings, behavior, experiences, coupled with
trust that there are ways to improve all of this, and
investing the time to learn Faster EFT, to tap out the energy behind these thoughts, and also
actually facing the unpleasantness of your feelings and experiences and taking the time to Do Faster EFT as well as face certain consequences, such as being very tired, being different from friends' endeavours,
Donna Eden's methods for combatting depression by pressing and stretching the skin on your face and scalp,
eating healthy, stop eating junk,
learning how to notice the pleasant feelings and experiences, and get more of them, and
getting from amazing other people, who offer help, support, love, programs and ideas, and share their experiences,
giving the same to others, and of course
living and loving life;
That's what I think can can shape your destiny.
June 14, 2011
The freedom to see what is right in front of us eh? Sounds good... reminds me of a Bruce Lee book i just re-read... i love Bruce. He was talking about the cultivation of a free mind in combat and in life in "The Tao of Gung-Fu", the art of no-mindedness.... anyway.... let us begin;
So a few days of horrible stress just came upon me. Also soreness in my organs. As SUE ELLEN said, I cant help but see only the shadows these last two days. For example heres a current thought in my head "I have artistic "talents" but absolutely no sure future, even my PRESENT doesn't feel secure, and life is always knocking on the door. I have no means of independence and feel stuck and held down in a world full of horrible people who can't tell their ass from a hole in the ground (to quote Randy Newman). I have nothing tangible or substantial to justify my right to be here" (and that is a terrible and disgusting thought pattern right there, I wouldn't dare make another person feel like that. Yet I do it to myself???)
I feel it's passing today, im just reading a book and trying to relax. But there seems to be a lot of stress stored in my body and I can say that stress is lethal stuff and I am also very touchy to anyone who triggers it. I'm also extra sensitive and completely intolerant of other peoples' idiosyncracies and little ticks to avoid life which causes me stress somehow, as if they really annoy me, especially the people that you can't avoid in every day life, my response to them is something else in need of change. I've already changed with certain people, but the ones who really annoy me still do! And also how certain people don't respond to you the way you wanted them to. It is crazy how all of our problems are related, I mean joined together at certain obvious or subtle points, it's a whole structure, when one is triggered and you don't catch it or are too run down, they all get triggered, like dominoes, so get your minds rested, watered and fit people! Get ahead of it and cut it off.
If I look at the days preceeding this latest bout of stress, I was re-reading "The Power of the Subconscious Mind" again, and was feeling positive for days, for once I was genuinely expecting good things, I mean almost for real! Like Robert says how affirmations are not words but the feelings, emotions and sensations you create. For years when I was younger the whole "positive thinking" revival never quite got it... and I used to wander around telling myself that I'm happy or I'm rich. Completely blind to the fact that my stress and misery were getting even worse. My whole body knew it was a lie and I had no clue about making it a real and active affirmation. But with these new tools and the previous week I felt I was really getting the hang of feeling it and was even in a state of real happinness at certain points thinking about the life I want. Strange also that the last couple of days I've been sooooooooo tired and have soreness in my organs and Ive been so busy the last three days working and rehearsing that I haven't had time to keep my thoughts in check, or to rest properly. Also a few trips tothe pub which didnt help matters one bit. Thats where I run to if I feel bad OR if i feel GOOD!?
So now I wonder are these symptoms of the last few days a backlash? Almost like a hangover from working on positivity for so many days? Should it feel like such hard work to keep feeling good about things in the midst of their opposite? Today how I feel is that I am not where I want to be and can see no "visible" or "logical" ways of getting there, so there's still work to be done obviously, maybe now is the moment to really go at it and tap it out now while it is so sore. Surely I must know it is inevitable that good things follow good thoughts and emotions, as does bad follow bad because I've seen it. And only the persistent and the diligent ones earn faith and get to see the real results. That must be true because I get impatient and then lose heart, because I want all the changes and all the things in life NOW. But "Unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies it remains that and nothing more."
Maybe I get carried away with certain good things because I don't want to have to return to clean up the bad AGAIN, but it seems you get brought back to it whether you like it or not. Im such a hypocrite because I still dont practice enough (when i say practice here i mean practice clearing out bad stuff)... and I reecently read a book about talent versus practice and how lots of talented people waste it because of lack of discipline and others surpass them through hard work and persistence! I mean potentially great sports people wasting it by wanting to live the life now... you see it today all over the papers. Im still procrastinating... yet I am aware of it at least! Now to practice ending it!
As JP has pointed out, "no separation between the art and the artist", that is an excellent one. When I'm performing in front of people I am so conscious of it ,it is debhilitating..... I dont know where my head goes and it makes the performance uncomfortable for all concerned. I have so much in me it causes shaking and uncontrollable excitement of all sorts of emotions in just having to let it out in front of people. Its almost like I cant believe it yet I know people want to hear it, people have always had a mild intrigue in me which i fear has just made me more concious. I could never let a real performance happen though, the emotion seems to cripple me and I escape from it and just have to watch other people do it effortlessly. I wish I could perform the way I do alone.... Im not saying its anything amazing but the freedom to do it justice would be! No wonder alcohol comes into play with all those emotions floating around.
And the worst thing about failing at doing it every time is the anger and the depression and the shame that swell up in me for ages after. What I have is not a public speaking or stagefright it is an acute fear of expressing myself in front of others, of being heard and seen, it is amazing watching all those people getting up in the videos because I couldn't do that, not in a million years, and therin lies the root of my problem, so now I feel like a fraud because I nearly have a new band and what the hell is going to happen when we have a show? Because I haven't said anything to them, there's no point also I don't want to give extra power to the problem, I refuse to acknowledge it in the band.
Strange that my parents are the type that call you on everything you say and everything you do, I know that for a fact, they are still like that, and only in learning Roberts belief system have I seen how our problems are learned behaviours that we become extremely good at, and I carry them out perfectly every time, like a pro. And from realising this I am learning to keep my mind at all times I can, on the good. You as a human being, are learning ALL THE TIME whether you like it or not, and it manifests whether you like it or not.... and so you must at all times have your mind on the good! 'Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things."Philippians 4:8.' So....good art, good food, good people, good sounds, good smells, good sensations.... steep yourself in these things from top to toe whenever your time is your own.
And you're right Rachel, though I wish I could tell when get to the last layers because from what Ive seen this week isthere is always more, and sometimes there comes something big out of nowhere, so I have to remain aware always, although maybe I will know when I am down to the last layers. Hmmmmm.......... I suddenly feel a lot better and clearer! Actually I feel ready to go again. My misery doesn't last as long as it used to.
January 4, 2011
Thanks for sharing.
Really expecting good things. May everyone soon do that, all the time.
Getting triggered by other people. Ahem.
I think last layers are relative to each endeavor.
Also, those people who are sensitive and think in long complicated thoughts (like your post above, and like I often used to do, maybe still do) - may need to think so long as the only soulution to so many things in life that seem incomprehensible, and to people who get on one's nerves. Knowing Faster EFT and not letting that happen so much anymore, because of taking personal responsibility for my nerves, has really simplified my life and thoughts. it's a process for sure, the more you do, the easier it gets, especially if you keep adding positive references.
From reading your last paragraph I wonder whether one kind of stuck pattern people have is expecting their misery to run a certain course, get solved in certain ways, and last a certain length of time. and have a certain result? I wonder how much of this is really necessary.
June 14, 2011
so you think maybe im making too much out of letting the misery go? Im making it more complicate than it is.... you could be right. We play a lot of games with ourselves to avoid it. Me especially, im really cunning. Its more possessiveness of our problems, more pride in our identity with them..... hmmm
January 4, 2011
June 14, 2011
June 14, 2011
oh god..... right so i performed a couple of nights ago for the first time with my band..... that in itself is a miracle but it is still only small fries because it wasnt a big gig but it was a start. Still needed alcohol to calm the threatening panic attack and only just about hung in there before running for the door. Its crazy.
Ive been walking around with this horrible fear for a couple of days wondering "what the f*ck am i going to do?" Because its still there, its not gone, even though ive played, i wonder is every gig going to be such a torturous battle? And the weird thing is i read an article today about Adele (british soul singer) and she spoke about her own performance anxiety and how one recent gig she escaped through a fire exit and another one where she actually threw up over someone...... and this is scary to me........ i mean thats a girl on her second massive album, amazing voice and she still can't get a grip on fear, i dont even know how she does it at all! She said the more she does the more afraid she becomes and i feel a bit of that too.
I physically feel like someone has their hands around my throat and is choking me, it makes me gag and almost throw up just thinking about it. It makes me withdraw and barely able to talk never mind sing! Havent thrown up yet though! But why do i feel that sensation even now after performing? Is this stress going to keep growing the more i perform? I have to tap like the clappers! Theres stress that comes from every angle.... time is running out, will i perform well, will i choke or throw up, will i make a show of myself, will i let the other guys down, will i let the audience down, will i let myself down,will i look like a fraud, will i completely lose control and bolt for the door, and so on ....... woah i need a breather
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